How I Hate Those Dirty...

Share

I think hate them. I hate the way they look, and act, and the way they stare at me. I hate their stupid ideas. How they constantly brag about their 'accomplishments,' to everybody who will listen, and everybody who won't. I don't give a damn about their stupid ideas, and most of the time I wish they would just damn well shut up. I try to be nice, try not to be mean, but hell, they're everywhere, and it's really starting to piss me off! I suppose you could say it's my fault. People like me brought them here. We had things we needed done, things we weren't going to do ourselves, but weren't going to do without. That doesn't make it any easier, though. I can feel their eyes on me right now. Their haughty gaze is full of self-assured superiority. It makes me sick. They make me sick. I hate them all.

That's right. I hate chairs with every fiber of my body. Just look at them leering at us, so full of contempt. Sure, they 'support' people, but what have they done for me lately! More comfortable than stools, cleaner than the floor, they say. Stop bragging about how useful you are! I prefer to stand, anyway. Sure, sometimes I need to stop standing, and it's difficult to get people to let me sit on them, but that doesn't mean what you do is indispensable! We could toss every single one of you out of this country, and be all the better for it!

I don't want to give you the wrong impression, though. I'm not a bigot, I'm actually a very nice person. In fact, some of my favourite places to sit are chairs. I even kind of like some specific chairs. It's chairs in general I can't stand. Everyone knows when a group of chairs are all stacked in a corner they're up to no good.

I say it's time we do something. We have to work together to rid our land of this scourge. Every social evil is linked at its very heart to the chairs that we let exist all around us! In times like these, all we can rely on is... each other. Be a stand-up citizen! Just look over your shoulder if you know of any of those filthy things living near you.

Only the Fat Will Survive!

Share

About a week ago now, I read an article in the newspaper that suggested the body’s immune system actually targets and attacks fat, but gets overwhelmed by constant eating, and so is unable to effectively prevent massive build-ups of the stuff. However, there was good news! Apparently, scientists are working on a pill that will try to aid the body in destroying fat. Someday soon, the scientists promise, we could all be thin and glamorous (well, they didn’t promise the glamorous part, but it can’t hurt to dream, right?)

At first, I was as happy as you are! Thin, because my body destroys fat better than Chuck Norris destroys reason with his fists of fury, rather than because I skipped that third slice of cheesecake. Life was going to be good again. I could smell the succulent meals, the meats and vegetables doused in sweet, buttery sauces, the sugar-topped pastries, and calorie-laden soft drinks (I never drink diet soda – that stuff’ll kill you, you know).

Then, I’m afraid, my cunning but annoyingly overactive brain (damn you, thoughts!) began to take over. It isn’t too much to imagine increasing food shortages in the future, as populations rise and arable land disappears beneath a sea of asphalt. What if we suddenly all run out of food, and my lean, fat-burning machine of a body is suddenly deprived of its calorific delights?! I might be more than just upset. I might actually get hurt!
Imagine this as a movie commercial: In a time… when the air is hot and dry, and the fields have become cracked deserts, food on Earth has begun to disappear. A species hooked on fat-burning pills designed to destroy energy without processing it will find itself facing its greatest challenge yet, and… only the fat will survive!

I’d be doomed! The drugs, no doubt made addictive by some clever pharmaceutical marketing drone, would be an unbreakable habit! Every time I ate, all the energy gained would be ruthlessly targeted and destroyed, leaving me to starve! Oh, God, no!

If I had any skills with photoshop, this question mark would be replaced with a cleverly created mock movie poster, but alas...

Damn you, science! I suppose I have no other choice than to go back to staring forlornly at the dessert case as I pass it by for… ugh… more vegetables.