Flip Flops: Most Annoying Footwear on Earth

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Queen Decries Floppy Footware

Claims They Could Cause Downfall of the Empire


In her recent visit to New York City, Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, addressed throngs of her most disobedient subjects, in the vast hall of the United Nations General Assembly. And while the wildly cheering masses had little idea what to expect from the first monarchical visit to the Big Apple in over three decades, few could have predicted the Queen would address a topic so directly related to the lives of the teeming masses across the world who live within her dominions.

The subject of her Highness' tirade? Flip flops. Otherwise known as thongs, these backless sandals seem innocuous enough to some, but for the ruler of the British Empire, whose prescience is part of her divine right, the future looks glum for a world power that continues to permit such perversity. Indeed, the Queen predicted that flip flops, and the decline in British values that they represent, could even bring to its knees the mighty Empire itself, and cast into darkness all its considerable territories, and the citizens who live within those dominions.

Americans, naturally, have significant interest in this warning, having held their title as Errant Ingrate Colony of the Empire for several centuries now. Nevertheless, many in the crowd seemed unaware of the danger ahead of them, and audible gasps of shock were one of the most prominent forms of reaction from the crowd, second only to screams of undulating adoration.

Her Majesty's three-part plan for the future of footwear in the Empire included mandatory executions of all flip-flop wearers, and a general ban on the production and ownership of backless footwear across all the royal dominions.

This is not the first time the Royal Family has taken a strong stance against an article of clothing, and is reminiscent of Prince Charles' campaign against Bermuda shorts in the late 1980s, which led to mass riots and the deaths of 134 unfortunately clad vacationing tourists.

Finland Condones Wife Stealing; USA Complicit, But Less Capable

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As I'm sure you're all aware by now, the entire world has been swept up in the sweaty arms of competition. Sports are in town, and the Finns are dominating. In fact, they won it all. The title for the international Wife-Carrying Championship goes to Finn Taisto Miettinen, who narrowly beat out silver medal winner Alar Voogla, from Estonia (though Miettinen won using the Estonian style of carrying wives, so his victory in woman-taking is at least partly due to the Estonians anyway).

And sure, it's all fun and games when you're carrying away a friend playing your "wife" through a pool of water, and over artificial hurdles, but who's going to have the last laugh when some nefarious Nord decides it's time to put those skills to the test where they really count? Who will save your women on that day?! I can well imagine some slack-jawed sucker chasing after a tall, blond Northerner, buxom brown-haired wife tossed carelessly across his broad shoulders as he runs over hill and over dale.

"No, she's having fun, really!"

Sure, we expect this kind of behaviour from the vikings, who after all, are just reconnecting with the traditions of their pillaging fore-bearers (you should see the contests those guys had, back in the day!) but the Americans? Just because they weren't as able to carry a wife as efficiently as a European, doesn't mean they didn't try as hard. And tell me, how comfortable are you in knowing that a fellow American is representing your country in a sport founded by local thug and actual woman-thief, Herkko Rosvo-Ronkainen?

I don't want to tell you how to run your country, pal, but if I were you, I'd look into this. If you're going to keep at it, you might as well become number 1, right?