How I Hate Those Dirty...

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I think hate them. I hate the way they look, and act, and the way they stare at me. I hate their stupid ideas. How they constantly brag about their 'accomplishments,' to everybody who will listen, and everybody who won't. I don't give a damn about their stupid ideas, and most of the time I wish they would just damn well shut up. I try to be nice, try not to be mean, but hell, they're everywhere, and it's really starting to piss me off! I suppose you could say it's my fault. People like me brought them here. We had things we needed done, things we weren't going to do ourselves, but weren't going to do without. That doesn't make it any easier, though. I can feel their eyes on me right now. Their haughty gaze is full of self-assured superiority. It makes me sick. They make me sick. I hate them all.

That's right. I hate chairs with every fiber of my body. Just look at them leering at us, so full of contempt. Sure, they 'support' people, but what have they done for me lately! More comfortable than stools, cleaner than the floor, they say. Stop bragging about how useful you are! I prefer to stand, anyway. Sure, sometimes I need to stop standing, and it's difficult to get people to let me sit on them, but that doesn't mean what you do is indispensable! We could toss every single one of you out of this country, and be all the better for it!

I don't want to give you the wrong impression, though. I'm not a bigot, I'm actually a very nice person. In fact, some of my favourite places to sit are chairs. I even kind of like some specific chairs. It's chairs in general I can't stand. Everyone knows when a group of chairs are all stacked in a corner they're up to no good.

I say it's time we do something. We have to work together to rid our land of this scourge. Every social evil is linked at its very heart to the chairs that we let exist all around us! In times like these, all we can rely on is... each other. Be a stand-up citizen! Just look over your shoulder if you know of any of those filthy things living near you.